thesuccub.us

Rob doesn’t remember this commercial at all! Do you?

I have never, never, never been so insulted (I’m sure I have, but this just struck a chord).

When I say I frequent Free Birds in the Heights, it means that I am literally there every Friday night for the past year. In this time, I have struck up a dialogue with a few of the regular employees. There is one in particular that seems to be on the same schedule as me. We chat a lot about things like black beans… guacamole… my glasses… his nap schedule, and his difficulty in describing salsa to Spanish speaking people (Salsa. Salsa? Salsa. Salsa?) He reminds me of a Bronx Hipster that I might be friends with (you know, Puerto Rican with a love of Indie Rock).

Anywho, this Friday I get my usual order and have just finished paying Bronx-Hipster when the guy next on line whips out a University of Houston ID Card. Apparently, Free Birds gives a dollar off to UofH students.

I turn (I am Jewish, so you know a dollar-off WILL catch my attention) to see ask what it’s all about.

“Yeah, apparently we’re giving a dollar off to UH kids. I just heard about it today,” says BronxHipster.

“That’s awesome,” I reply. I am currently both a UH employee and a UH Grad student (I have an ID card for whateva’ you want).

But before I can revel in my new found savings, BH says quickly, “But I don’t know if that applies to alum.”

Wait, wait…. what?! So I am automatically assumed to be a UH alum because… because.. WHY Bronx Hipster?  Because I’m OLD?!?!?!?

I have only one response to this:

“There are no good restaurants around here. I mean, there’s Popeye’s but there are no other really good… See I consider myself to be a.. a… connoisseur of foods. But not… just any food. I like good food.”

So Rob updated some sort of WordPress something or other and as he was posting the upgrade/update, the word “Roll Back” appeared somewhere in a sentence that ended in a click “back or continue.” Naturally, this “roll back” had nothing to do with a great price on Kitty Litter at Walmart, it meant, erase your past two month’s posts.

So, two months of posts gone. Good thing I had absolutely nothing worth posting anyway.

I have on my desk a “Quote of the Day,” rip off calender. The quotes, I would say, are by and large inspirational. Although, sometimes the quotes are less inspiring and more about wisdom or life. The quoted range from people like Nietzsche, to Einstein, to Vince Lombardi, to Woody Allen and so on. Sometimes there are quotes from people I’ve never heard of.

I would be lying if I said ripping off the page to see what the day’s quote is, wasn’t the first thing I do when I get into work, and probably the best part of the day. I have even ripped off a few choice quotes and posted them on my corkboard (yes I have one). Sometimes on Fridays, I cheat and look ahead to the next week, and then I feel bad.

Today’s quote is this: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”   
- Semisonic.

It took me a whole minute. Semisonic.. Semisonic? Where have I heard that… WAIT Semisonic!? Are you kidding me! A bad, one-hit wonder, 90s band is plaguing my ”quote of the day” reprieve. Happy Wednesday.

In case you don’t recall Closing Time by Semisonic, I will remind you of it now.

Saying it in Spanish doesn’t change the fact that you are comparing nothing AND/y nothing.

thank God you translated into espanol, Lowes

Here’s this other story I wanted to tell you -

Last weekend when we were returning the Uhaul, in the most ghetto part of Houston ever, we passed a church with a large billboard that said “Drive Thru-Prayers.”

I don’t know exactly what this means. I can only assume it means that you are so fat and lazy that you can’t even get out of your car to pray! And that notion is something that I wished I had taken a picture of it.

Drive through… prayers? Really, fat Houston? You are going to hell.

Rob and I were just running past the public park and saw a ten year-old kid on tractor mowing the baseball field.

Why were you doing that kid?

I was having a peaceful drive through Houston’s  lovely third ward yesterday afternoon, when I stopped at a traffic light. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a ratty looking lady ,that I can only assume was a homeless prostitute, heading towards my car. Or course, I had my window rolled down. Whenever homeless people are headed towards my open window, I feel too bad to close it. I don’t want them to think I’m racist or anything, maybe they are just walking down the street.

As luck would have it, not this homeless prostitute. She walked right up to my open window and asked me for money. When I said, sorry I don’t have any, she pointed at a pack of gum hanging out of my bag.

“Gimme a piece of gum then.”

Since I understand the need for a piece of gum, whether you pay for a home or someone pays you for sex, what could I say but yes. We all like to have something to chew on.

As I handed it to her she points to a sweater lying on my back seat. “ok,” she says, “lemme’ get that sweater too?”

Umm.. really homeless prostitute? No.

And the light turned green, thank God.

I want to add a new category to thesuccub.us called “Really Houston?” to include all the bizarre things that I see here on a regular basis. Today I will make the first entry. My hope is that other Houstonites (maybe Emily?) will comment on the odd things they have seen that day.

Really Houston?

Today, whilst jogging on the trail near my house, I saw a man sitting in his car with the door open, and he was leaning out, cutting his toenails with a nail clipper. Really Houston? You couldn’t find anywhere else in your house (READ: your garbage) to do that in?